


The Town Knows

by TSerpillum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-11-26 19:36:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20935616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TSerpillum/pseuds/TSerpillum
Summary: After years of acquaintanceship, the unexpected happens: Levi catches Erwin Smith's interest at an odd time in his life. Regardless of everything, Levi wants to give it a go, giving more of a chance to himself than to Erwin. But as everything else in his life, the relationship turns out more difficult than thought. Levi tries to navigate through it without getting destroyed entirely because Erwin Smith isn't the man he's expected him to be.The town knows anyway, but Levi will have to find out for himself.---What started out as a whim for exploring the fearful avoidant (Erwin) and dismissive avoidant (Levi) relationship dynamic, turned out to gain a life of its own. Nothing is planned, everything can happen, there's no exact chronological order. Only more and more of my whims.





	1. On the Shore

The anxiety comes and goes in waves.

So far the counselling has worked for the early mornings where Levi has less and less problems managing his head. He doesn’t swallow down his tea in greedy gulps, nor does he skip his breakfast, even if it’s only a banana and an apple. Levi lets the strong aroma spread over his tongue before passing it further down his throat, and on the good days, he counts his chews too and pays more attention to his breathing. At times, he even feels close to being at peace, or what he imagines the feeling to be like. That might be hope too, so he tries to sit down and map his own head. _Reconnecting with his feelings_. Because apparently, he’s still capable of having some.

Still, afternoon is tricky, a time he cannot keep the real world at bay any longer. In the time mother returns from work, Kenny gets up, and so reality comes back to haunt him with all his failures and flaws. _No way is this going to work out_, it says, dragging him back into the pit of desperation he’s spent nearly every ounce of his strength to crawl out from.

In the afternoon the wave threatens to crash over and drown him.

“So?”, his mother quirks a brow at him, “How’s your darling doing?”

Levi pretends to look somewhere out of the window, feeling a strong urge for a black coffee.

“Fine. He’s got shitloads of work today”, he answers briefly.

Levi knows he shouldn’t do this, that the only way to reprogram his mind into a healthier state is to become more expressive, to finally meet his emotional needs, or some shit like that, but he finds himself unable to. He can’t just say that Erwin hasn’t texted him the entire day. Moreover, he can’t tell her about their conversation yesterday. It’s something he struggles to stomach himself. So he retreats into his room, sits down before his sparce bookshelf, stuffed with books Erwin mentioned to like. Every little info he shared was like a little treasure for Levi. He memorized all the mentioned authors and novels, quickly typing them into his phone when he parted from Erwin in order to find them at the local second hand book shop.

Still, he can’t bring himself to read any of them.

Their worn backbones stare back at him with entire chapters of Erwin’s life and thoughts. None of them is like he’s imagined in the many hours he’s spent secretly admiring that man and all his accomplishments. 

Until a few months earlier he could trust his instincts entirely, especially in cases of danger. No overthinking, no second guessing, only acting upon them. It was difficult to shatter the last remaining bit of trust he’s had, and now without it, he has no idea what to do and how to act.

He’s in a bad state of mind to text him first, to even say hi, because Erwin doesn’t want anything forced. He only wants Levi’s texts if they are genuine, born out of a wish to share something with him, anything. Yet Levi couldn’t share the darkness of his mind with someone who clings to the light like a kid to its mom’s skirt. He wants this too much, he’s too clingy, he is too attached, and he struggles to reconcile the image he’s had of Erwin with the one he’s seen yesterday.

A deeply flawed and wounded man. That’s what’s left of the one he saw his salvation in.

Escapism marked his face in many wrinkles he hasn’t seen before, and still he longed to caress it although he’ll never muster up the courage to do. His wishes and longings always get caught up in his anxieties and awkwardness, a vicious cycle he has no idea how to break out of. And it’s a cycle in which Erwin apparently won’t accept him. When he ran that large hand of his over his face after several failed attempt to start a conversation that isn’t strained or too energy consuming, Levi could pinpoint the exact moment in which Erwin let him go.

In silence he watched how he was abandoned again, dropped down as a hot potato into mud. Uncomplaining and without uttering a word.

Convinced it was only him to bring problems into their dating life to the point where they simply couldn’t click although they have everything to do so (in Erwin’s words), Levi only occupied his mind with himself. What to work on, how to stop being a fucking mess and finally behave like a normal human, one worthy of Erwin’s attention and affection. So much, that he couldn’t see through that cheerful and successful façade.

“I can notice a pattern there, Levi”, Petra sighed on the voice mail, “It’s not the first time he’s done this. He’s done the same with all his previous partners. Erwin’s affectionate, open and loving, and once his partner thinks they’re safe, pooof! He’s away.”

Levi simply dropped his phone onto his bed, too stressed to respond.

A few minutes later, one more voice mail arrives, not even trying to conceal Petra’s nervousness.

“Levi, you know I care about you a big deal. I care about Erwin too, but I’ve known you much longer so it’s normal I care about you more, and I only want the best for you. Don’t get too attached to him,” _sure, as if he wasn’t too attached already_, Levi thinks sourly. Yet he’s aware of Petra’s true intent and appreciates it although he might behave like an asshole most of the time. “Because to be frank… I think… Erwin won’t change, Levi. Please be careful. And I’m here for you, just so you know, my favourite goblin.”

_Gratitude_, he writes in his journal in unhurried and neat letters, an emotion that’s so often connected with her. Levi can’t explain what it is that’s made Petra stick to him for 10 years. Whether it was pity of simply curiosity, she’s still there, having his back whenever necessary. And if it wasn’t for her, he doubts he’d have any friends at all. Or anyone to date, because every person he’s been involved with had some ties to Petra, in one way or another. And so does Erwin.

_Erwin…_

Levi refuses to write about that constant ache in his chest he’s had ever since he noticed the change in Erwin. Maybe he held his hopes up too high, encouraged by the light caresses on his cheeks, the three kisses in his hair and the hugs Erwin was generous to give. Without them, Levi knew for certain he won’t be accepted as he is, that Erwin is a man with enough personal issues to deal with, so having someone else’s on top of those is too much for him to bear. Even such a man as Erwin Smith isn’t as strong as he appears to be. The world manages to overpower him too. 

And for things to get even more strange, that’s such a sadly comforting thought.

—

In the evening, the expected storm doesn’t come. For some reason, Levi isn’t thrown against cliffs to shatter and drown. That confuses him, pushing him out of a routine he’s been so used to. Without it, he’s not sure who he is and how he functions. _You have built your personality around you anxiety and issues, entirely forgetting who you truly are_, his counsellor said once, making Levi wonder if that could be true. He has never known a different life, a different way of functioning, and now, imagining himself on the shore, out of the waves’ reach, somehow scares him.

A question pops up in his mind.

For a few moments he contemplates on whether or not he should act upon it. It’s stupid, after all, and nothing of much importance. Either way, he’s been ignored for the entire day, so why even try? It’s not like Erwin wants to know how his day’s been. If he wanted to, he would have called or messaged him.

Or on the other hand, Erwin might think the same too…

_Fuck it_, Levi sighs and grabs his phone.

_Ever been to the sea?, _he quickly types, using the moment’s courage to send the brief text before he’d overthink it again and just give up.

_I’ve just been wondering, _he adds a minute later, feeling slightly stupid.

_Hello, _he sends at the end, rolling his eyes at his own awkwardness.

Yet the appearance of the three little dots soothes him with the confirmation that Erwin actually read his text and immediately started typing his answer. _As if he’s been waiting._

There’s a wall between them, high and sturdy. Like this Levi merely touched it’s bricks, but at least he tried.

At least he did what was up to him.


	2. Empty mug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The struggles of a dismissive-avoidant to process and express emotions

It’s not like he doesn’t know how to appreciate a nice aesthetic. It’s easy to tell something good looking from something ugly apart. Every idiot can do that, even one like Levi. The difference between an ugly mug and a nice one is too obvious, just like the one between every other drug store journal and the one Petra’s got him, or the way Kenny serves food and the way his mother does. No genius is needed to differentiate that. His mind does that unconsciously, allowing the judgement to fall in a milisecond. And it’s not like he keeps quiet on it either.

“I ain’t eating that crap”, he knew to bark at Kenny, who never gave a fuck.

“If you’re not hungry, sure”, he’d shrug him off.

Levi nips on his tea, a strong blend with a shot of lemon not exactly spreading on his tongue before he gulped it down. Blame it on his willingness to keep his teeth as bright as they are or his anxiety, whatever, it’s not like it matters much.

_You have such nice teeth, Levi._

He knows he should drop this habit only for the sake of gaining more validation from Erwin, yet if he gave up on such an essential part of his routine, is he changing too much too fast only to fit Erwin’s taste? Sometimes Levi wonders how much of Erwin’s advice is to be taken to heart and what part of it is to be refused. In the end, does he want him or what he could potentially become?

One of Petra’s relationship rambles comes to his mind, about how a person should feel no anxiety with a partner, only peace and ease of being oneself. Over the years, Levi has lost the feeling of being his true self, so now he’s trying to dig that entity up, in case it survived all the crap life threw his way. He’s made peace with all of that a long time ago, yet now he cannot lie to himself about the shame he feels in front of Erwin. There are bits and pieces he should reveal, parts of his journey he shouldn’t keep him in the unknown about, but everytime he tries opening his mouth about it, he freezes. A man like Erwin won’t understand, he simply won’t be able to, so why even bother? It’s a lot easier to keep the mask intact, enjoying the waves of admiration soon to be replaced by crumbs of attention, a vicious cycle Erwin drew him into. Levi knows he cannot escape. He’s not even sure if he truly wants to. As much as the cycle hurts and leaves him frustrated, there’s a sense of potential belonging, and as starved as he is, his refusal to participate dies somewhere between his chest and throat.

If he keeps on going like that, it will suffocate him. The mask, the unsaid, Erwin’s withdrawal.

Everything.

_I shower you with compliments, but you barely reciprocate_, he nudged his shut down brain many times, a light smile on his lips, an encouragement. Yet Levi was always too busy blushing and panicking to properly respond, so he simply looked down to the points of his freshly polished shoes. Erwin knows how handsome and perfect he is anyways; it surpasses Levi’s vocabulary by far. Besides, love is shown in deeds and not in words. If given enough time, Levi would prove his loyalty and admiration without lots of sweet talk.

Erwin proved himself with his deeds despite all the words he said. It hurts like a slap after softest caresses, like a kick in the gut after a warm embrace. Erwin’s deeds are speaking again and Levi trembles by the thought to lend them an ear. Occupying it with something else isn’t possible either. _That music you listen to… It’s symptomatic, you know. It fills you with so much negative energy, I can’t stand that._

There are necessary sacrifices one has to make for love. Chewing on his pencil, Levi isn’t exactly sure where to draw a line. He has googled suitable compliments for men to gain some inspiration, he tried writing some down, he will try to say them out aloud in a relaxed matter, the crease between his brows flattened, the voice his own.

_I love naturality, spontaneity, chill. That’s something I can’t be without. That’s the only thing that inspires me and keeps me going._

For the three months they’ve been dating, he’s been listening to this speech. By now he can predict the exact moment when it will happen. _I want this, I want that, I can’t be without that, etc._ Levi always listens quietly, feeling so inadequate and unlovable, as if Erwin showed him some mercy by sticking around. There must be something his stupid brain doesn’t get, so Erwin tries explaining it while beating around the bush in hopes he’ll finally get it and improve.

But what? Upgrade his mask to a new level? Or create another one according to his wishes? Become a spontaneous, bubbly and cute Levi over night just for Erwin’s love?

_What the actual fuck am I doing?_, he wonders once again grabbing his mug. Its emptiness peers back at him in a sad manner. He can see his face, so wary and miserable. No naturality, no spontaneity, nothing pleasant at all.

“You… have nice eyes… Erwin”, Levi whispers into the mug, unsatisfied by his tone. It’s awkward and clumsy, almost forced. Erwin will catch up on it immediately and call him out on it in the worst possible moment.

“You… well, you… I like your hair”, he tries again, cringing internally. 

He repeats words and lines he’s read on the internet, discarding his pencil entirely.

No straight line will fall from its tip.

**Author's Note:**

> To gain a better understanding of the attachment theory, [look here](https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/)
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
[Fic tag on tumblr](https://tserpillum.tumblr.com/search/serpillum+writes)


End file.
